Funny internet dating openers
We go on a date, but the whole date we can only talk in dialogue (or narration, if for some reason you are moved to discuss the breakdown of the Imperium vs. So if you want more wine for instance, you would kind of look at the wine bottle and say “the spice must flow! Fuck cilantro.27) I want to wake up next to you on a lazy Sunday morning, with white curtains blowing in the breeze, and you lean over me and look in my eyes and OH SHIT IT’S MY DEAD GRANDMOTHER’S FACE AND HER EYES ARE MADE OF WORMS and it turns out I’m still asleep. Looming jagged mountains with shapes no earthly power could have created, at once beautiful and foreboding, kind of like one of those old Yes album covers from before they sucked.
” And if someone is sitting too close to our table you would say “the Bene Gesserit witch must leave! And then I wake up for real and you’re like “what were you yelling about” and I’m like “nothing, let’s fuck.” How about it.30) The Legend of Zelda™ fucking sucked, FYI. Atop the highest peak, shrouded in fangs of cloud, is a tower, a castle, stone heaped upon stone by untold eons of forgotten hands. It has a name like a newfangled pharmaceutical for some feminine problem would have. Inside the society of wizards awaits, chanting your true name, which resembles a disease wiped out in the 1920’s, except for a few pockets in like, Gabon.
Did he really need to have his shirt off at that block party? " You already know that this person finds you attractive, because they swiped right/hearted you, etc., so why even waste time on a half-hearted conversation, when the point of online dating is dating in real life, not finding a pen pal. Send an invite coded in emojis: (pointing finger + martini glass + ? Maybe because it acknowledges the silliness of online dating without explicitly complaining about online dating, which can come off as a bit rich since you are, you know, online dating.
” You would have to do it in the voice of the Guild Navigator or whateverthefuck that thing was.26) Cilantro fucking blows, dude. You have a burrito or something made of savory elements like beans and cheese that kind of melt together harmoniously, all warm, and then in the middle of that suddenly you bite through a cold pile of vaguely poisonous-tasting lawn clippings. It was a SCAM designed to force you to subscribe to Nintendo Power™, or cozy up to the one smug fucking kid in your poor bullshit town whose parents had enough largesse to lay out for not only a state of the art Nintendo Entertainment System™ but also The Legend of Zelda™, which if you’ll recall was at least ten dollars more than an ordinary Nintendo cartridge, purportedly because it was the first game where you could save, and about a hundred bucks for that stupid fucking magazine so you could figure out the ONE bush out of thousands that actually has the staircase under it or whateverthefuck. Dipthyneria, thank the gods you are here because tonight is the night the evil wizard has arisen, and his attack on Sylestria has begun.
The rest of us had to painstakingly walk around like a dick randomly burning bush after bush on screen after screen, in a perfect metaphor for the drudgery that would become the rest of our lives. Dragons and griffins and cockatrices are dive bombing and climbing the walls and legions of cruel sorcerors conjure lightning and flames. The greatest power comes from the humblest of us and etc., and as the evil wizard whose name is a really obvious quasi-pun like the type used by George Lucas rises a mile tall in his hideous demonic form to strike the castle with his fist that looks all trippy like aurora borealis and suddenly the voice of your true mother is in your heart and your eyes blast open with lasers and sparks and flames and the evil wizard has a brief “what the fuck” pout before imploding, loudly, into blackness.
That fucking kid also had the Power Glove™ too, probably, and that stupid exercise pad that you ended up just crouching over and pounding really fast with your hands. But what can I do, you ask– I’m just an ordinary woman! The wizards cheer until one sees you collapsing; they rush to your side but the world is fading before your eyes and your last breath leaves your lips with the name of some prior plot element, and there is an overlong pause, sad music…
Just a metric buttload of goats all over the place. But I would have done my best to outfit the pegasus according to your imagined tastes. Say what you will about his political beliefs, the man understood majesty.
Crafty little buggers, you know; you have to stay on top of it because they’ll figure out how to unlatch the fence with their tongue and get into the neighbors melon patch and create strife. I will not be outsmarted by a fuckin ungulate.23) So let me pitch you an idea. We mount our otherworldy steeds and sail effortlessly and powerfully into the moonlight. If you ask me what the music is I answer you, making sure to say “Rick-Hard” in a real German-sounding way, like Udo Kier. We ride on into the night and suddenly after a cloudbank the landscape below is like none you’ve ever seen before.
You’re a handsome young woman and obviously you’ve accomplished a lot in your short life. Maybe not, maybe you never wanted to get it in the first place, maybe you never wanted to move to the suburbs, maybe you secretly blame me for everything moving too fast and now you’re stuck here out in Calabasas or something and now you’re like 33 and if you leave me you’ll never have biological children, but if you stay with me you don’t know how you can stand even one more fucking second in this house in the middle of nowhere and separating the bank accounts is going to be such a god damned pain in the ass, and the goat isn’t cute anymore, it was a stupid idea, and it has an expected life span of like 35 more years but any place you give it away to might use it for meat and that would pretty much be unconscionable. That’s what it’s going to be like with you and me in like four years. And like, the big evil corporate guy is like “somebody clean this up for Christ’s sake.” Both you and that scene are fucking awesome.22) Some day, man… The breakdown in wizard specialness goes: all other wizards Come with me, I will say, and outside is parked a pegasus. the one for you has been customized with an awesome panel airbrushed on the side; I would say a chick with big tits in a chainmail bikini waving a spear on top of a polar bear but that’s probably not the kind of shit you would like.
But there’s also something accessible and human that comes through. you and me get some acreage and just a fuckton of goats. This is why I need to get to know you better, you know.
9) You and me are gonna have houses, cars, servants (username).
We’re gonna have so many yachts we’ll begin calling them merely “boats” to differentiate ourselves from the nouveaux riches who gauchely call them “yachts.” How about it.14) My name is Sexxxo Pornographicus, Galactic Overlord of Schlaungg, and I am here to crush the Earth. I have mastered your Earth courtship process and have come to conquer all ripe breeding vessels in your “Los Angeles County.” We will meet in a well-lit public place for one of your pathetic caffeinated beverages, at which point my reverse engineered Earth pheromones will overpower any puny resistance you may have and mating will begin.